Le Cuisine de Hospital

Two months ago I was put into the hospital to undergo heart surgery for a congenital heart condition (Bicuspid aortic valve stenosis, ascending aortic aneurysm and a bypass). After nearly 9 hours under the lamps in the OR, I had more tubes coming out of my body than Chipmunks have nuts. With orders from the Doctors (I had 8) and my Surgeon I was to eat nothing but what was on the Special No Salt Cardiac Menu. Not having had anything to eat in nearly 3 days, one might say anything would taste good... not so!  That first bite was so bad I thought maybe the Surgeon had accidentally severed my taste buds from my brain.

For 5 and a half days I was subjected to culinary torture. Waiting in my room 3 times a day to see how science had manipulated the food to new low flavor standards. I started to get desperate.

I offered to buy my nephew's half eaten In and Out burger for 20 bucks he had left from his lunch.

I begged nurses to bring me the one thing in the cardiac floor food pantry that had any salt, Ry Krisp crackers.

Visitors unwillingly taunted me to the edge of sanity by bringing in outside food to consume as I choked down my lunch devoid of flavor.

I dreamt of Mario, Gordon, Emeril, Wolfgang and yes even Rachael.

Someone must have developed a machine that can suck even naturally occuring salt from food. I couldn’t believe how bland some of the food was. The matzo ball soup was a wet cracker ball floating in hot cloudy water to give it the look that chicken might have been in the broth at one time or another, maybe to wash its feet. If it wasn’t for my wife being there every minute of the visiting hour schedule, I’ve would have gone mad. She wiped my sweaty foodie brow assuring me there was still pizza on the outside.

All in all I was not sentenced to a life of no salt. My Cardiologist recommends no more than 3000 mg of sodium per day (thats about 1.25 teaspoons of table salt). Excess salt puts stress on the heart and arteries by increasing blood pressure that can cause aneurysms, which can burst and put you under in 2 minutes, ala John Ritter. So the moral of the story is all things in moderation, get a doggy bag and please try some fresh herbs and less salt.

Chef Ken Kline